Loss of leadership in today’s world

Good leaders should be a magnet to those around them.
Good leaders should be a magnet to those around them.


The loss of effective leaders in today’s society.

I was at a seminar a while ago that gave a statistic that shocked me, 80% of the work force would forgo a pay raise in place of having a good quality leader as a boss.

That speaks volumes about where we are today. People have replaced leadership with positions of authority. They are not the same, not even close. Far too many positions are filled by people in positions of authority, but have no leadership skills. This translates to a work force or family that is distrustful. Leadership has to promote trust, it just has to. If there is no trust with in an organization then it becomes selfish from the top down. It can happen at work and at home. When there is no trust in either it will erode everything else around it.

So what is the answer? How do we get our country and society back to a place of trust with good quality leadership?  Hard work and starting at the core of what makes a great organization.  You read about it in the news. When a company goes out and rewards their workers with stocks and time off or they do something to put back into the work force for no other reason than its the right thing to do. We hear about these companies that do it right, and are the top 10 places to work and people are in a long line to be hired there. Why? Because they give back to those that work for them. They see the needs of those they lead and are willing to forgo the highest profit margins so they can give back to create a more solid work force.  It’s celebrated by the news because it’s rare….  That’s sad to me, that should be the norm, that should be the thing that is expected from a business.

As a life coach and leadership coach. This is were we can really make some positive impact in the lives around us.

Producing leaders that are compassionate and caring about those they lead is vital.  A good leader will pull the best out of those around them. They will ignite a fire in those around them, not out of fear but out of respect and a desire to imulate them. A good leader is like a magnet to those around them. They will lift them up directly with encouragment of indirectly just from their presence alone.

Business’s need to see this change, we need to get back to employee loyalty and company loyalty again. People that work for companies for years, why? Because they know that company has a vested interest in them and not just the postion they hold.

The thing we have forgotten is that leadership is not about dictating instructions or yelling orders. Leadership is about relationship and making good connections with people.

The people that you lead are in fact your eyes, your ears and your hands. They are the front line to your clients, they are your representative and they are one of the most important cogs in the wheel that turns your business.



Part 5 The need to be men.

Part 5
The need to be men

There has been a move in society to strip men of their masculinity. To domesticate them to some extent. Look at the TV shows and sitcoms. All portray the man in the home as an idiot, that can’t do anything with out his wife. As a knuckle dragging cave man type that can’t express his emotions and is unable to change in any way.
I will say that there are bits of truth in some of those. But that’s no reason to make us feel bad for being men.
Can we as men do better in relating to our wives? Sure, just as she can do the same for us. There is always room for improvement.
All that said, men need to be free to be men. When I say that I don’t mean it as the dominate, mean, caveman. I’m talking about being with their buddies and spending time doing manly things. Hunting fishing, watching sports, shooting or what ever it might be. He needs that time away just like his wife does with her “girl time”
The biggest threat I have seen is that the push has been for men to become more like women. To be emotional and to be like her girl friends…. I get it but he will never ever be that for her. Can he open up more and get in touch with his emotions, yes and he does need to but it will never be like your best girl friend. He will never read all of your none verbals like other women are able to do. He is a man, let him be one. Things that are important to you are probably not a priority to him. Not that they can’t be but he will be doing them for you and not because he all of a sudden puts the same importance his wife does. Examples are, getting the right brand of butter, the right toilet paper or the right kind of cheese. All are not a high priority to him. Can he learn which ones need to be bought? Sure he can, but I would make a specific list and the reason is if your expecting him to buy a certain kind of butter, but all you wrote was butter on the list then chances are it wont be the same. If your expecting a certain thing, speak it out loud or write it down. That’s one of mens biggest issues with their wives. We don’t read your none verbal as well as you want us too. We can do better and get more tuned in but if you want it known, you better speak it or write it down.
Basically Let him be a man, he is going to do manly things that you might find uncouth. He is going to wear clothes that may not measure up to your ideas. You know why? Because to him the clothes are not as important as the time spent with you. It is not that he doesn’t care about his clothes but he values the time spent with you much more than what he is wearing. So help him out in a kind loving way, don’t make him feel like a failure, because after all he is actually valuing your presence more than his clothes.
Another thing. He would love to include you in on one of his hobbies. BUT!!!! Yeah theres a but. Don’t take it over. If it is a activity he usually does with his buddies, let him have that time. Don’t move in and insert yourself into that activity. He does want you to be included but not to take it over. I know many guys that were really excited that their wives went hunting with them, but when she kept going, it because a burden. Let him have his guy things. Ask to see it or experience it but keep your distance and make sure to allow it to be a buddy activity.

Guys…. We can be men and still be civil and respectful and loving husbands. We can learn about our emotions and learn to read her none verbal. We can do better as men, leaders and husbands. But please don’t try to be like her best friend. You are a man and that’s ok.

Into the minds of men Part 4 Challenges

Part 4

Ok this is another one of those areas that women have a hard time grasping. Remember, I’m speaking in generalities here. I know we don’t always meet the stereo types but this is for general purposes.
Men love a challenge, we love a job to do, something to focus on and pour ourselves into.
And yes we even love that in our relationships, but here is the difference. Look at all of the things men like. Sports, games, hunting, our work, video games. What is the one common thing with those? Rules. There is a defined set of rules that we play by and if you ever listen to a boys backyard game of football you will here the rules over and over and anytime someone breaks those rules they are called out immediately. We as men function best when we have a standard set of rules, it doesn’t mean we will always follow said rules, but they are there and we know them. That being said. We want to succeed in our relationships. We really do I swear, cross my heart. Most men want nothing more than to be his wife’s hero and put a smile on her face 24/7. But I am going to tell you a little secret that some of you may not know…… women have no rule book. I know shocker right? Everything in a woman’s life is ever changing. Even her surroundings with kids and schedule changes. Then add in the emotions and over thinking and multitasking. Its pretty much the antithesis of how a man works. So it is very easy for men to step out of the emotional side of communication because we have no idea where we stand. If we are “winning” or if we are sucking at it or even how or what to do to do better. We can say one thing one day that puts a smile on your face and we will remember that. Only to use that again on a different day and get a negative response. In a guys mind this is alien, it just makes no sense to us.
So the question is. How can we use this knowledge to build better relationships? I think its pretty clear. Men….. look at your relationship as a challenge, use this as a call to be a better husband. What will it take for you to succeed? Its going to take you climbing into the emotional ring with her and getting your toes wet. Remembering that we are different and not expecting her to respond like your best bud would. Ladies…. Don’t expect him to just become your best girlfriend either. He will not respond that way and it will disappoint you every time if you do. Look for the effort he is making. Help him, don’t leave him stranded there floundering. If he is making some efforts tell him encourage him, make him feel like he is winning. Remember us men like to win at things. If something doesn’t quite work right, let him know you saw his effort and encourage something different.
The biggest thing is he needs to get to know you, your favorite things and colors and movies tv shows and basically learn the little things about you he might have missed or forgotten. Ladies if he is looking to learn more about you, welcome it. Let him encourage him and don’t be close mouthed about things, If he is asking he really wants to know because if he wins in this completion then so do you. BIG TIME!!
Trust me, if he can consistently put a smile on your face or get you to laugh of cry with happy tears he knows he is doing the right things.
Lets turn this around a little. Ladies what can you do that communicates love and care to him? This completion is not to be done alone. It is not a one sided thing. You have got to jump right in also. Lets start keeping score here. Not of the bad things but of the good things… If he does something nice for you, you should be thinking… hmmmm those flowers were really nice, what can I do to repay him? It can be a simple as a note in his lunch or on his car when he gets out of work.
What you do is up to you but I hope you see the turn around from the stereo typical TV relationship here. Instead of counting the negatives, you are not counting the good things and looking to repay them. Now you tell me how this can end badly if both people are playing this same game???

So to sum up, a man functions best when there are rules to follow, he likes structure and consistency in all the things he does. How can that be brought into your relationships a little more?
Its really that simple. Looking at your relationship and seeing how men do things and how women do things and finding the comparability in them. Its going to mean you both have to move to the middle. Ladies do not expect him to come all of the way to your side if your not willing to meet him at all. Men don’t expect her to move all the way to your side if your being stubborn and pointing the finger at her all the time. It takes both people moving together to build something great.

Into the minds of men. Part 3 Friends

Part 3

Ladies this is one area that we are totally different than women. But it will be a short chapter in the over all article.

As men we have our buddies and friends and best friends right? Just like women right? Well yes and no. Most women think of their best friend and see a confidante or someone they can tell everything too. They see a companion to share parts of their life that no one else does.
For men this is totally different. We have a group of friends, buddies and pals. But the way we communicate with them is different than women and their friends.
I will say this as simple as possible. If you have a man in your life and he loves you…. YOU are his best friend. You are the only one he tells his most inner parts of himself too. He will tell you things he has never told anyone. Yes even his best friends. You see men do things with their friends, we go to a movie, we go hunting we go fishing. It usually revolves around an activity of some kind, but the biggest difference is that we just don’t talk that deeply with our friends. We don’t confide our deepest parts to our buddies. You have seen the TV shows that have 2 men in a room and there is something deep resting inside of them…. Time passes nothing is said……. One looks up nods his head and the other does the same and everything is good. That really isn’t that far off the mark. So what I am saying ladies is that you are his best friend. He doesn’t have the outlet that you have in your friends. You are that outlet for him.
The other thing I hear a lot is women wanting their man to be their best friend like their girlfriend is. I will tell you right now that’s a loosing battle. We were never meant to respond to you like a woman does. We wont respond to you on the emotional level your girlfriends do. Its not that we are being rude or uncaring its that we are men and we are different than you. Its not a bad thing its just different. So don’t expect your man to relate to you like your best girl friend. But also remember that you are his only friend (usually) that he will tell his deepest and sometimes darkest parts of himself too. It maybe hard for you to believe this but it is very true. We may have great friends that we do things with but when we do, we laugh we poke fun at each other, we tell stories from years ago that make fun of each other but we rarely communicate on a deep emotional level with each other.
I hope your catching onto the importance he has with you and just how vital your friendship is in your relationship. You, as his girlfriend or wife are his best friend. With this comes a whole new set of things that are new to most men, which goes back to part one of this series. Emotions. If you don’t give him a safe place to open up too he wont allow you to be his best friend. He will only become open and willing to explore this unknown place with someone he feels safe with. He needs you as his best friend if he is to ever test the waters of his emotions.

Part 2. Fear of failure

Part 2. Fear of failure.

I have got to say this is one of the biggest, yet least understood things about men. We hate failure. We especially hate failure in front of our families and loved ones. Even more so in front of our wife. The one person we love the most, it drives us to stay inside of our comfort zone, where our chance of failure is less. That’s one of the reasons you don’t see many men tackling the emotional connections with their wives very often. They are on shaky ground and unsure of themselves therefore have a high risk of failing.
The fear of failing in a mans life is a constant looming beast that many don’t want to admit is there or something they feel is always breathing down their necks. What does it mean or end up looking like in his life and how he reacts to it in his family and with his relationships?
Usually it means shrinking back. A man will retreat back into a place he is sure of if he has failed at something or perceived failure. Here is a great example. A man is laid off his job and can’t seem to find work to provide for his family. His wife is complaining that he has become distant and she doesn’t understand why. A man prides himself on being the provider, even if his wife works and is making enough to keep them going. He feels like he is failing and dropping the ball. What does he do? He retreats inside of himself, he may become short or a little quicker to anger. Because in his minds eye everything said about his job or lack of is a slight to his ability to provide. It can come out many ways. Many will fall to old bad habits, drinking, drugs or anything that provided comfort in their past.
Ladies you have to understand that the ability to provide for his wife and family is a huge corner stone to who we are as men. Yes its probably an ego thing to some extent but we see it as one of the things we are called to do and are usually good at. When we fail at that it can send us for a loop. If we pull back a little, understand that its not you. We may not even understand why we pull away, we just feel like crap and the more its talked the more we have to face the ugly side of failing.
So how can you help him past it? Don’t be critical. That’s the last thing he needs to be hearing. Remind him of the great things he has done and is capable of. Remember his confidence has taken a big hit and he needs that back to get back on his game.
Men usually take way more risks than women do, but you have to think in what area? We will risk a lot of stuff in the areas we feel strong. We may fail there but we have the confidence already to take that hit. It is in the times we have no confidence that we don’t risk much. Like emotions, those things are usually alien to most men. It’s not that we don’t feel them its that we don’t understand a lot of the structure that is under them. We deal with the outside effects, anger usually. But that isn’t the issue. Anger is not an emotion, it is the result of an emotion, and that is usually the issue we are not used to digging into. We know we are out gunned when it comes to emotions and women, so most men just bow out. Add failure to that and for us it’s a double whammy. Nothing that can’t be over come, but it has to be done with love and understanding, not a critical spirit.
Remember most men really desire to be his wife’s hero. When we really make the effort and fail, we feel horrible. We feel like we dropped the ball when we were honestly trying to do the right thing. If not approached the right way he may never try again. He gets the attitude of… “well I tried and apparently I didn’t do it right so why keep trying if all I do is screw it up.” This usually happens after his wife has wounded him after a failure. Usually being overly critical with no love in the approach. So I hope you see the importance of keeping your love connection on even during times of failure, that is when he needs your support more than any other.

Into the mind of men part 1

Part 1

Ok this is the one most men shy away from. The dreaded word that seems to try to swallow us whole or can feel like quick sand if our spouses get us to dip a toe into this pond for just a second.
It’s really not that bad. But in a guys mind…. This is the place we are on the shakiest of ground. We are outside of our comfort zone here. We do not feel like we are good here and defiantly will be on the losing end of any argument if its based around emotions. So what do most guys do to deal with this area? We toss a rock into the other room and go “ What was that?”… and take off to never return.” But why? This is the question most women have when it comes to men. Why does he never want to engage when emotions are on the table? Well to us, if we are talking to the women in our lives, emotions are always on the table. So we are a little hesitant right from the start. Ok Ok I might be exaggerating a little, but I’m not too far off. So whats the problem…. Why do most men shy away from expressing their emotions… its amazingly simple.
We don’t know we have them. Ok that’s not entirely accurate. We don’t understand them. They will come across as something we can’t make heads or tails from… an example is… hurt. Say his wife does something that hurts him deeply, what is his usually response… anger. We usually, if given to normal reactions, tend to lash out or strike back. That’s how most of us are raised. Now a woman’s response to that is one of shock usually. “ Why would he lash out at me!!. That means he doesn’t love me or hates me.” Ladies we as men have learned from an early age that the best defense is a good offense. Unfortunately it comes out in many areas of our lives even when that response isn’t the best. We can get past this, but it takes some effort from both parties.
I am sure most women have had this conversation at one time or another…
Wife to her husband.“ what are you thinking?”
Husband. “Nothing.” Or “I don’t know.”
In a woman’s eye that’s impossible, but for a man it can be totally true. I will tell you why. Men are linear thinkers for the most part. We deal in logic and cold hard facts. You give us a problem and BAM!!! We are on it. We accept the challenge and put our minds to figuring the best way to go about it. Our minds are on what is right in front of us. (This includes all hobbies.. things we can “zone out on”) Our best work is not in multi tasking, but a laser focus on a specific subject matter. No distractions, laser focus. Ladies if you think, I’m sure you will remember, times when you dumped 4 or 5 things on his lap all at once…what was his response? Overwhelmed, frustration, anger maybe. We don’t function well in this area as a whole. We need one thing at a time. To get back to our original subject matter of emotions and why men usually suck at them. So, to a man, emotions are like trying to hold tight to a hand full of sand. The tighter you grab the more leaks out. Nothing is constant and nothing is solid, its ever changing like the flow or a river. When it comes to emotions we as men rarely give it much thought and this is where our problem comes in. When you press us for what we are feeling, we feel pressured, because honestly most of the time we have no idea. It’s not that we are clueless it’s that we just don’t think along those lines, but here is the saving grace if we both understand each other and allow grace and compassion to enter into the relationship.
I have learned through trial and error, mostly error, I think. That we as men can sit down and discuss our emotions with out fear if… IF!!!!!! We feel its safe to do so. Give us time to dig deep into our emotions, give us time to roll it around a little and learn that we can go deeper than the surface when it comes to feelings. We need to feel safe ladies. We need to know none of this will come back to haunt us later. We need to feel safe and supported in this effort. Encourage us, be that help mate and not a critic. When a man finally understands that him revealing his biggest weakness to you is not actually making him look weak to you. You have then made it over a big hurdle. Ladies you can be his biggest supporter or if not handled right he will retreat into a cave never to come out again.
That is the biggest thing to help get a man into the realm of emotions. Making him feel like now matter what, he is safe there. Then you can start to dig deeper…. “Why did this make you angry?” What emotion was actually behind it? Ladies be ready you may hear things your not ready for. He may reveal ways you have hurt him that you didn’t know about, or ways that he felt disrespected by you. Ways you might not have ever realized. Don’t be critical, don’t try to explain why you did them. These are his emotions just like you have yours, no matter how crazy they may seem they are still his to feel. He maybe slow to find what his true emotions are, it can be hard to explore this area of himself so please give him some grace and time, don’t rush him.

I’ll sum up this part by saying this. Men are not simple, we just shut off that emotional side of us and deal only in the surface most of the time. We are task oriented. We usually love a challenge, we love doing what we are good at. We love succeeding in front of you and we love doing well at things when it comes to our relationships. So if you can somehow challenge your man to get into the emotional pond with you, go slow and praise him, tell him how proud you are of him for taking these steps. I know a lot of women are thinking…. Oh great I have to stroke his ego now too? I’ll tell you know, stop it.That attitude will destroy any chance you have of getting him out of his man cave. Ladies you like it when your man expresses how much he loves you right? You love the little gifts or helping around the house or the time he sets aside just for you right? These are all expressions of love from him to you. You need to know every day that he loves you. Well he needs your respect. His main thing is respect from you. When you say things about stroking his ego you are disrespecting him… it’s the same as if he did something that made you feel like he didn’t love you anymore. Yes its that serious.

If he is willing to take these steps with you, be thankful. Many men wont even make the effort. So remember he is WAY outside of his comfort zone and needs your support. We love a challenge and if we can view loving our wives better as a challenge, then we look at this whole subject area a little differently. They always say to never keep score in your marriage, but according to Shant`e Feldhan a well known author of “The secret to highly happy marriages.” Every highly happy couple keeps score. But of the good things, not the bad. They constantly try to out do each other with tokens of love and affection. I think that’s a great idea to emulate.

Be looking for part 2 of this series, Into the mind of a man.
His fear of failure.

Coach Doug

More than impressions

The marks of life are like the impressions on a table

I remember doing my home work on my moms dining room table. I remember the spills and nicks and the marks we put on that table.
I remember lifting up a sheet of paper to see my hand writting impression left in the wood and I was afraid I was going to be in huge trouble for it. It has been many years but I don’t remember ever getting in trouble for that.

I also remember seeing that table 15 years later I could read the imprints from that day of home work and as I looked over that table I saw the remnance of a snowman and I think an owl drawn by some ornery preteen.

I am a wood worker at heart. At times I have finished a project and been very proud of the work I had done. I would agonize over each mark or scar that was put there, because I felt it mard the overall look and worth of the piece. (The perfectionist in me)

I was missing the very point. That table carried memories in each mark and scar. They didnt take away from the piece, they added a uniqueness to it, they actually added value because every memory was pressed, marked or scared into that wood. To be seen 10,20,30 years later.

Isn’t that a great representation of our lives? If we can pull our pride away from the visual of the marks and scars of our life and see the true imprints they have in shaping our lives today. Think for a second. How would your life look if you had no scars no marks or blemishes in your life? How would it look? What effect would it have on how you live today? You see we are all just a table with the imprints of life on it. We can choose to look at the scars with worry and anger or we can see them as forming who we are today.

Life is going to be hard at times, but it is also going to have a unique grain and beauty that works around and through the scars. Dont let the scars become the focus, trust your journey, don’t stop building just because something might get marked scared or bumped to mar the perfect image. Live, laugh and love. That is what makes up life. Love God because He already has your table made and mapped out, scars and all.

I’m so tired of this!

Stop letting pride keep you from your wife
Stop letting pride keep you from your wife

I am tired.

I’m tired of talking to a stump. I have really had it on my heart to be a voice to men about relearning how to approach a relationship, what our responsibilities are and how to follow through. Do you know what I hear the most. I hear from men that are in the midst of a divorce, asking me why, why didn’t someone teach me this stuff before.
Here is what happens. A man gets married, he loves his wife (I’m referring to the majority of relationships not the abusive ones) they start off great. Soon he gets his career going and supporting his growing family. Before long he is neck deep in work, thinking he is doing what he needs to support his family. But he never notices his wife that is slowly drifting away from him. Then one day she hits a limit and she is gone. I have seen this repeated many many times. I have personally talked to men asking my when I show them some of the articles I read or have written. They ask me… Why why didn’t someone teach me this stuff when I was younger… If you want my 100% honest answer get ready…

Men your pride, ego and false sense of priority are killing your relationships. Here is what I mean. If you have followed any of my blog, you will know I talk about a book called Men are like waffles women are like spaghetti by Bill and Pam Farrel. Great book by the way. It’s about men liking to have things in a box, just like looking at the top of a waffle. Every thing has its place and none touch. We get one out we talk about it we look it over we put it up and pull out the next one. But what happens when we start to deal with women in our lives, we begin pulling out boxes that we have never touched before, we are not comfortable with them and some will even avoid all together. These are usually labeled emotions. They are not logical and we don’t have a system in our brains for processing them very well. So what do most men do when faced with something we are not familiar with or makes us very uncomfortable? We put that box away and immediately go pull out a box we are great at (work) We can bury ourselves in work to avoid the stuff we don’t like. Not only that but we can justify it because we say we are taking care of our family. When in reality we are being a big coward because we’re afraid of the emotions your wife might be wanting to share.
Guys it’s up to you. She can not make you engage her on that emotional level. Is it scary? Oh yeah, it sure can be. Does it make you feel like you’re a failure? You bet it can. We are not naturally good at expressing those emotions and can even get frustrated when we try and just can’t find words for what we are feeling. Ladies please be understanding, this is the equivalent of him asking you to come tear the car motor apart or try to understand why he likes to have a nothing box were he can sit and not think of anything. He will need your support because, trust me this is stretching him to new areas and opening boxes that he buried long ago. Bring some grace into the relationship and be encouraging.
Men, you have to get out of the boxes that end up trapping your marriage into a rut of no emotions or feelings. You are the leader of the family. That doesn’t mean you always get your way or that you’re the master of your domain. No it means you’re the one to take the hit, to make things right. You take responsibility for failing when its time. You don’t point fingers you don’t blame. You man up and take some personal responsibility!!

Back to the first thing I said.. MEN!!!!!! Start listening, reading and soaking up these lessons before its to late. You don’t want to be in that position of thinking what the heck happened? What did I do wrong?? Drop your ego and pride and dig in. Fight for your marriage with a tenacity that your wife is needing NOW not when it’s on the verge of destruction. I’m tired of having to post these articles, I’m tired of hardly any men listening until it’s too late. Guys get over yourself now while you can. It’s not as hard as it seems. She is your wife, not a stranger, open up to her about all the things on your heart. Yes this can be an eye opener. But do it with an open heart in love not in anger. She maybe shocked about the things you mentally go through. The thoughts and worries you carry that she never knew about. I can tell you it will bring you closer and open up a new level of intimacy you haven’t experienced before. The reason why is that your wife sees these things as a strength where you see it as a weakness. It speaks to her heart. For you to share the inner most fears you face daily is basically opening your heart up to her trusting that she won’t use them against you. For men that’s a very hard thing to do. It’s hard to allow what we see as a weakness to get anywhere outside of our minds.

So in closing. Men please start sooner before its too late. Don’t let your pride keep you from opening up to your wife, it’s what she is wanting. She wants to know you on a level no one else does. Please do so before you let your work or career over take your marriage. Keep your priorities firm and never let anything over take her position. Respect her for the woman God created her to be.

Time to wake up Men!!

Don't let your pride get in the way of a great marriage.
Don’t let your pride get in the way of a great marriage.

What is it going to take for men to engage in their marriages?
I am seeing marriages and relationships end left and right and why?? Pride and selfishness.

Men I’m talking to you. Do you love your wife? Do you think she is great and amazing? TELL HER!!!! Guys, please please don’t wait until it’s to late for you to wake up and realize some things.
I’m going to make a short list of a few things that men need to wake up about.

1: Your job is not your priority… What I mean by that is, don’t work yourself into a divorce because when you put your career as number one it will be your only one at some point.
Yes we are called to provide and we pride ourselves on that, sometimes to a fault. Your wife needs to know she is more important than your job. Yes you may work long hours at times but when your home BE HOME!! Leave work at work and be a husband, be a dad. Prioritize your marriage. Don’t let work become everything for you. Learn to say no sometimes when it comes to work.

2: Telling your wife you love her just on birthdays and anniversaries doesn’t cut it. I remember a joke I heard. A wife was complaining to a counselor about how her husband doesn’t tell her he loves her. After 40 years of marriage the husband says. “I told you I loved you the day we got married. I’ll let you know if that ever changes!” We may laugh at that but it has a sad truth to it. Guys… Woman don’t think like we do. If you are going to lead your family, you are going to have to learn how she, not only communicates but what and how she needs to hear. You need to tune into her. It is far more than just words, it is in all of your actions and interactions with her through out your day. Most woman I have talked to about this, I see a common error we make as men. We go for the WOW factor. We plan big things to wow her. Well would you be surprised if she may not want the big things but a bunch of little things? A hand hold, an arm around her, a kiss on the forehead. Do you understand what this means? It means she is desiring a daily connection with you. Women are emotionally driven and we as men need to learn how they think and function… Well as best we can. Because honestly that’s alien to us but not impossible.

3: Stop ignoring her needs. Her needs are not trivial. They are not just emotional. You need to open your eyes and get up when you see her struggling. Many men see it, they see her tiredness, exhaustion and stress, but what they do is they rationalize it away. By that I mean that for a brief second they see it and think I could help….. But I worked all day. I did this and I did that. This is her thing not mine. This attitude will kill her heart, it will breed resentment and she will begin to seriously dislike you. The wedge has now been placed and the man very rarely even knows it

4: Communicate how she needs. The biggest thing we do as men that is wrong is fail to hear her heart. We may listen to her words but we fail to hear hear heart. We listen to fix and to give solutions to a problem. She may ask you later for your advice, but until she asks don’t offer. Face her look at her, turn off your phone, the tv and listen like your marriage depends on it because it may. Stop trying to fix the problems she has, empathize with her, hold her. I know it seems totally weird for us as men but it will open you up to a whole new level of intimacy between you both.

Ok so my question to all of you men right now….

What are you going to do?? It’s in your lap now. Are you going to keep working and ignore your wife and write it off as.. “Well I have to work so we can have nice things?” Because I’ll tell you she will sacrifice some of those nice things to have you home more.
Are you going to sit on the couch and ignore a tired wife that’s needing help around the house?
Are you going to keep your mouth shut about how much she means to you?
Because right now these attitudes are pretty prevalent and they are destroying marriages and relationships. Guys take your ego and pride and let it go. Because those are the thing that are holding you back. Ask yourself this. Why don’t you tell her how much she means to you?
Why don’t you get up and help? What conversation do you have in your head that keeps you from reaching out to her in the ways that she needs you to? If you don’t know how… Here is a interesting idea. Ask her. Sit her down and simply ask her how you can do better. I know shocker right? Simple but can be so hard when we are holding onto our pride.
True death to self must happen to have a marriage that not only survives but thrives in this world. Men get up and take charge of your marriage, be a servant to her and for goodness sake Love her the way she needs.