What is our role as men to be in a relationship? How will this look in your everyday life?
This is usually the break down. Most men know what to do and can probably even tell you. But most don’t know how to put it into practice everyday.
We as men need to start to make the effort to look through our women’s eyes to see her needs, her desires and her hopes. If you don’t take the time to learn all of these things then you are not acting as a real man in a relationship.
Todays generation has shifted to a me focus. Men and women, I hear it all the time in relationships. He wont do this he wont do that. Then I get the She wont’s on the mens side.
I will state this up front. If you are an unhappy person that doesn’t truly love who you are then no man or woman can make you feel better. Your husband/boyfriend wife/girlfriend is not God and he/she can never be God. Expecting that much from any human being is just setting yourself up for disappointment.
That being said, we need to change our focus from a me me me view and worrying about what they can do for you to what you can do for them. True love is all about sacrifice. I don’t care about any other definition out there. Real selfless love is based on your willingness to sacrifice something for your spouse. When we come at relationship with a true servants heart on both sides, the power that brings and the relief that brings to the relationship is phenomenal. It builds trust, security and compassion.
What I tend to see are men that have become detached from the relationship. They have in essence given up on trying. The reason for that is, they have usually tried at some point in time and they got it wrong or made a mistake, that mistake has been placed in their face over many years to the point they think… well “I cant do this right at all so I give up.” I am not saying this is the right response but that’s just what happens.
When we look at the bible we learn exactly what our role is in relationships. It is actually pretty black and white.
“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself up for it;”
Ephesians 5:25 ASV
This one simple verse says it all. It really strips all the excuses and all the junk we try to throw in the way of how we as men are supposed to act and serve.
But the question is this…. How does that look day to day? How do we as men put this into practice everyday?
Keeping that servants heart is key. First off you have to change your perspective..
• What is a source of stress for her?
• What is a need for her?
• Look specifically for things that speak love to her (refer to the 5 love languages book)
When you start to look at her in a new way, you will see things that affect her life both good and bad. You will see the things that touch her heart, the things that make her feel safe and secure. You will also find the things that cause her stress and anxiety.
Starting there is key. Being a study of her is vital to reaching into her heart and touching places that may never have been touched before.
So back to actual action here. What specially could you do?
Date nights ( a must)
Help around the house, pick up clothes, fold laundry, clean up the kitchen, vacuum, any of the everyday things that need done around the house are great. Many guys would say .. well I don’t know how to do laundry or clean… I have an interesting idea.. I know its kind of a foreign idea…. Ask her. Yeah its that simple. If you can’t figure it out, just come up to her and say “ hun I know there are things you need help with around here can you show me what you need.” Or ask her for how she wants it done. Some have a routine with stuff and being willing to learn her way is speaking to her a lot.
Taking these little steps out of your comfortable recliner are vital to having not only a happy house and happy wife but she will more than likely want to do things for you in return. That is the kind of positive score keeping we need to have happening in relationships these days.
Here is one of the other biggest things we as men need to realize. Opening up to her and letting her in is a big thing. Its called vulnerability. We as men usually see this as weakness and we never want to show a weakness. Let that go guys. The though that opening up makes you weak in her eyes is crazy. The surprising thing to you might be that she actually sees it as a strength.
To her she is getting to know all the things that make you who you are, why you do things the way you do and maybe even explain some anger or disappointed feelings you get for seemingly no reason. When we open up about the things in our past that hurt us, is a big deal to her, it showing her that you feel safe and speaks to her heart. It says “he trusts me and he loves me”
It says you feel safe also. These are things most men never think about because honestly we never think about them. We get hurt in life. We have had much pain in life also. But you know how most men deal with it? We shove it down. We don’t get home and break down. It just never sees the surface again. By opening up to her about these things you have kept hidden for years you are speaking to her heart. I would be willing to bet a lot of money that you will find a new level of intimacy and compassion for each other when you start this process.
Learning to look outside yourself in life is always a good thing. Its showing the world that your focus is on others and not on yourself. But when you apply that same attitude toward your wife you are telling her she is special to you, that she is unique and loved.
Learn to keep your expectations down and just do… do what needs done because its what we as men are supposed to do.
God calls us as the man to die for her if we must. We throw our selves in front not to assert our leadership but to protect and provide.
The next thing is protecting. How do you protect her? Well the obvious is anything physically. We as men usually have no problem here because this is one of those macho things we have grown up with. But did you ever think about what you do when your not with her is actually protecting her too? Not putting yourself in situations where your integrity or character would come into question. Doing your best to never be alone with another woman. Not welcoming flirtation. Keeping your eyes on your wife. Always being aware of what your doing and how you are doing it. If she was watching you would she be upset? This is protecting your relationship, This is a place she may never realize but that doesn’t matter it’s the right thing to do. Protecting her is a big thing. You can do it many ways. Putting yourself between her and any perceived danger, you walk on the street side of the sidewalk. Its called situational awareness. We should always be looking for anything that can threaten her and get between it and her. Done right she will not even know what you are doing. I have my Conceal carry permit. When I am out with her I carry it always. These are all ways we as men can protect her.
Now to a few that we have dropped the ball on. Spiritual leadership. Most men have fallen off the map on this one. I am not sure why. I think it has to do with being intimidated and just slowly stepping back over the years. But if we can step up into this role it will be another large part of her life she needs your leadership.
How does this look in life? Do you pray with her? Do you take time each day to pray together out loud? Do you go to church with her? Do you talk about faith and God and how he has been in your life? The more you can share with her and then listen to her share with you is a few of the biggies.
In closing because this is getting long. Guys the one thing I have heard from a lot of women over and over. They are wanting men to step up and lead. Not in dictatorship or a ruler with an iron fist but as God calls us to do. To be the barrier between all thing that’s could hurt her physically and spiritually. To be a servant to your queen. I would bet lots of money if you took just a few of these thing and put your heart into them you might be amazed at the changes that took place.
Speaking to the ladies now. If you have a man that’s trying to do this. Be encouraging. He will get it wrong, he will mess up. Remember he is learning to change his old ways, it takes time. If you hit him right off with all the ways he is not doing it right. Well he wont try again.
Remember to always try to look through the others eyes and see the needs they have. That is the biggest key to it all. Reaching out with a servants heart with no expectations is where a lot of the answers lie.
Give it a try sometime. You might just make a ok relationship into something amazing!!