Seeing behind the mask.

Learning to see through the mask.
Learning to see through the mask.

Having a daughter that is now 17 and a son that is 14 I have entered into the world of boys. This is about learning how to teach your daughter to spot the fake.

Here are the facts. Men of most any age know what it is a woman is looking for in a man. This goes for the good guys and the bad guys. They all know to put their best foot forward. We all do that in our lives. The trick is how do you spot the fake. You know the guy that is hiding his true personality to pull her in and get her, then unleash it after he has her. I have heard this story replayed far too many times by women my age. They date and get to know them and on paper he looks great. Is driven and has a good education is working for a big job to make lots of money which equals security, he is nice and polite. This list women have sometimes is a killer if taken to certain levels. What I mean is if you only look at the list and he is perfect and you dismiss the other junk you see because the list is right. Then you have a problem.

So I have come up with something that should be no big secret. OPEN YOUR EYES!!…
Now don’t get me wrong looking with a eye to find any error is wrong. We are all human and no one is perfect but look for major things. Here are the things I would look for. First you have to watch at times of reactions. Meaning if something happens and he gets angry. How does he handle his anger? How does he handle adversity? How does he handle times when you don’t agree? Does he write off your opinion because your emotional? How does he treat your friends? Keep your eyes open for those moments that the mask falls away. Again I am not telling you to go into a relationship with a magnifying glass looking for any little issue. But things like getting in your face during an argument. Bad mouthing your friends, asking you to not see them or spend time with them anymore. Does he take responsibility for mistakes? Does he apologize and is it in a way that’s genuine? How is he with kids? There will be a normal uncomfortableness if he doesn’t have kids but that’s expected. Some men get mad or irritated at kids, that’s a sign. Also how does he treat pets and other animals? These little things tell a lot. One that someone told me was this. Take a man camping or canoeing and see how that goes. I have seen some men totally lose it with their girls while on a float trip. Again none of these by themselves mean he is a guy to get away from but you might start to see a pattern of behavior that can help you make that decision.
I have talked to many women that saw all the signs before getting married, they saw the things that didn’t sit right in their heads but you know what made them over look them? The list. They all fell back on that list of things that made him look good. They would dismiss the times his mask would fall away saying things like. “well he was just tired, he has been working really hard.” Or “He needs that time with his friends (even if he hasn’t seen you in weeks)”
Or he is spending lots of time with another girl away from you. These are big things that should never be over looked.

I have held off writing this article because I don’t want it to go too far and you start seeing red flags every where in every guy you see. There has to be a level of wisdom and discernment to see normal everyday personality differences and big time personality disorders.
Lots of prayer with an open heart. If you have a feeling in your gut that doesn’t go away, listen to it and keep your eyes open. Do not get to far along that you feel obligated to keep it going just for fear of hurting them. Do not down play those major issues you see, don’t write them off or make excuses. Bring them up to him and confront him in a respectful way. Lots of this stuff can be figured out as long as you don’t place the ultimate judgement on that list every girl has in her head or has had at one time.

It’s a hard subject to stay wise on. Its hard when your emotions get going, it becomes to easy to dismiss those big issues that many times God is showing you. Pray for guidance and wisdom, asking to see truth in this person if you have a gut feeling of something not right.
Too many women are ending up with men that are narcissistic or sociopaths that can fool a woman that has her nose stuck to that list. I have seen it far too many times they look back 10-15 years and think OH my it was right there.. I knew it but I didn’t listen. They gave excuses for his behavior and let it go for what ever reason.

Just be wise ladies. Listen to that soft voice of the holy spirit inside of you, don’t let the emotions of love block that voice.

I hope this might help someone find a nice good guy that is genuine and trust worthy. None of us guys are perfect but some of these things might help you weed out the guys to stay away from, just don’t take it to far and start red flagging every single thing. That was my fear with this article, use your wisdom and discernment to see real issues and not just everyday personality differences.