How the church handles abuse.

Verbal and emotional abuse
Verbal and emotional abuse

Who is the church supporting?

I am about to tackle a subject that not many understand or I hope will never get to.
There have been a few movies come out in the last few years that on the surface seem like a good thing and can help many marriages. I will make some enemies here and probably more will disagree with me and that’s ok, we are all entitled to our opinions.

The movies are War room and one from several years ago called Fire Proof.
There is a ongoing message in these that in a normal marriage with people that are just being selfish or want the easy route or not bad advise over all.
I am speaking about the small group (more than you think) of women and men that have been through a marriage with a person that is not a good person, one that is the fool in proverbs one that is the wicked described in the bible. They are not out for your good they are not good people. When Christian leaders go on about submission they seem to forget that it is MUTUAL submission. True repentance of wrongs done and a cleansing of ones heart. The issue I have here is when one of the parties is an abuser. Emotional abuse is one of the worst things that can be done to people. This happens to both men and women but probably mostly women.
These types of movies do nothing but aid and assist in helping these types of abuse. They basically are telling an abuser how to act to win his victim back. It shows him a picture of a mask he can wear to fool them into believing he can be decent. When in reality they have no idea how. With Fire Proof it’s based on a Book of step by step daily instructions how to win her back…??? Does this not sound odd to you? If your dealing with a sociopath that can not love properly you are giving him the exact instructions of how to act. Not that they get taken to heart and soaked into his soul to grow him and to see his wrongs but to slip that mask on to get her back then to continue the abuse with the churches approval. I hope things have started to change because far to many woman are told to just submit more, pray more to get him to change his ways. The problem is with this type of person that kind of reaction is just feeding the fire in his dark soul. He now has the church backing him up telling him he is right. This type of submit more attitude has gotten women killed and if not that, then they just die inside. They give up on life and it’s a serious faith problem. Christians as a whole talk of God hating divorce and all the bad that goes with it. Then treat the divorced as an outsider. (Not all churches but many have this attitude) They act like divorce is the ultimate sin and unforgivable. I am so sorry but it is true God hates divorce but you know wha,t divorced people hate it too. It has hurt them emotionally, financially and in ways people that haven’t gone through it have absolutely no idea what they are talking about and honestly should not give their input on. Until you feel the fear of losing your kids to a hateful ex-wife. Or a father that does nothing but use his own kids as pawns to hurt his ex wife. That the future of your well being could be on the decision of a judge. Until you have stood in our shoes and shook, afraid you could lose your kids because an ex and their attorney that used trickery and typical lawyer tricks to get you to miss your court date so you would lose the rights to your kids. Trust me divorce people hate divorce also.
Forcing a good christian woman back into the same house with an abuser is wrong WRONG WRONG!!!! The church as a whole needs to wake up and learn how to identify these types of people instead of blindly guilting people back into more abuse.

My understanding is that we are to protect and provide for orphans and widows.
Does this not include single mothers and children with an abusive father/husband? Are we to look at one book over another in the bible? Does proverbs not tell us how to deal with a fool or a wicked person? Yet they tell abused women to go right back in the home of an abuser and submit more pray more…. I am sorry but everyone hits a limit where they need to act to protect themselves and their children. How can one book over ride another in the bible? Fools can be in marriages, wicked people can be spouses, the church needs to come to terms with this and learn to fight for the weak not the abusers. One sin to be unforgivable and looked down the nose of church members and others like gossip, backstabbing, gluttony and greed to be over looked???
I am not sure this is the attitude that Jesus preached about.

I know I have gone on a rant here but I am sick and tired of hearing about how great these movies are, I understand that I probably have a jaded view but I can’t stand the thought of one more women or man for that matter getting guilted back into submission in an abusive unbiblical home.

So when or if your talking to a person that came from an abusive marriage and is being brave enough to get out, then be supportive and help them emotionally and spiritually they will need it.

Marriage is something that is meant to be a wonderful thing when two people are reaching for each other with good in their eyes and love in their hearts, bringing God into the center and working together as a team to tackle all life can throw at them. This is what it is meant to be like and making someone guilty about leaving a marriage where there is emotional and verbal abuse is not acceptable in any way shape of form.
Churches and pastors need to be taught how to identify these types of personality disorders and that all marriage issues can not be just given a rubber stamp solution. They need to learn how to deal with them other than guilt and shaming. There has to be a better way!!

God bless all those people that have had the bravery to get out and protect your children and themselves from the abuse and to put a stop to it. To end a generational sin that could continue and be passed down to the next generation if not stopped. There is only one way to end it and that is to stand bravely in truth to fight for what is right.
I pray for these people and hope greatness comes from years of pain, God uses even the bad in our lives for good. It is something we have got to remember in those dark days.

Where have all the men gone?

Deep down every man as a desire to be the warrior we were born to be.
Deep down every man as a desire to be the warrior we were born to be.

Where has the masculinity gone in men?

I have wanted to write this article for a long time but never could form the words.
We see this in todays society, on TV and in the news and in books. Telling how men need to get in touch with their feelings, learn to understand their women so we can relate on an emotional level. Is there anything inherently wrong with this? No I think these can lead to great places in relationships and building great marriages. The problem lies here. Over the years of this going on men have been told that being manly was wrong. We have been told violence is bad, most typical manly things seen now as unattractive. The man has been played as the Oaf, the joke of the family, the inept stupid guy, that would be nothing with out his wife to rule the house.
What is this view doing to our society? We are losing leaders. The very thing I hear women complain about the most now is that their men wont lead the family, wont lead spiritually or any other way. We have allowed this to make men passive wussies. Pardon my english but its true.
Gone are the men that can fix things, do things around the house or more importantly, even have a desire to learn how or want to.
Men have not helped themselves over the years either. Many have lead with an iron fist, to “put her in her place” type of attitude. The submissive wife role, they have twisted those verses to empower men. Men that were nothing but scared cowards afraid of losing power. This has been rampant in the church for years. The men forming together to kind of back each other up and so they can stay on top. Its disgusting.

Let me tell you what every man feels inside.
He wants to be free to be a man, do manly things and explore that side of himself. Ladies you will not understand these things or maybe you will I don’t know. We need that time to be with our buddies and do manly stuff. Go fishing, play a sport, hunt and yes sometimes even fight or wrestle. Hence the explosion of the MMA sports. We as men need to understand we can be men and not be a caveman. We can be strong as and solid and also listen to our wives, hear her heart and hold her close. We can lead from a place of strength and courage.
I love researching history, I love reading about past civilizations and cultures. One of my all time favorites is the Spartans. That is a manly culture, men breed to be warriors and fierce fighters. One thing most people don’t know. The one place that was seen as higher rank than a warrior or Spartan that died in battle. Was a mother. They saw that the mothers of spartans had greater value than the warriors themselves. They honored women that died in child birth just like men that died in battle. It tells a lot about the views of that society.
I am not saying we need to go back to those barbaric days but the feeling of masculinity needs to make a return. Men need to not be afraid to be men, Not only that but men of wisdom and leadership. Men that can lead from the front not only armies but families and loved ones.

The thing men need to remember is being a man doesn’t give you the right to lead, all it gives you is the opportunity. Leading is not a birthright it is an opportunity to show your character. We should be leading with a kind heart, a compassion for others. Being a man is not about being able to beat up everyone that gets in your path, its knowing when to fight and when to turn away. When to stand up and fight for the things you love. God calls us as men to take that stand for our wives our children, family and all those around us. We are the protectors, the thing that is solid in the family. It is time to reclaim what we have lost.

what it can do in a relationship.
what it can do in a relationship.

I am going to talk about something that most of society has lost.
I know that piqued your curiosity huh. What I am talking about is the power that God brings to a relationship.
I personally think even many Christians miss this part of it. People on the surface place God on a shelf and that’s it. That He isn’t needed on a day today basis. Something I was thinking about today as I drove kind of gave me a different perspective. When done with God’s perspective (as close as we can) we get a glimpse into something much like the love of a child for his mother. We get to see Gods love for us reflected through others. What I mean is with out God in the very center of your relationship in an active roll, not just pulled off the shelf when you need him, but actively in it. When someone loves you that special way you see a reflection in their eyes that is a person you yourself have a hard time believing is real. You cant believe that someone could love you that way. Yet there they are in front of you making it hard to deny. That is God working through us to love others. A husband will have that “look” in his eye when he has that deep feeling that fills his whole body with something far bigger than himself. It is there so that God is shown through us. He gives us those gifts so that when we doubt we could be worthy of his love, he places someone that proves it right there in the flesh in front of you.
When we allow God into our relationships like that, we can still argue and deal with life’s ups and downs and still love one another. It is just sad to me that people are missing out on some of the biggest most rewarding parts of a relationship. Even some christian ones seem to miss this part too.