I had my last grandparent pass away last night at the age of 94. She was an amazing person, extremely strong and energetic. She drove and lived a full life up till about 91 or 2 then a heart attack started her decent.
I was very close to her and it’s a extreme sense of loss. But I know that she is in heaven finally with the love of her life that passed away 20 some years ago. I saw a dedicated woman that stayed faithful to the love of her life. I have seen many people move on and find someone else. I understand that but I also know the feeling of love and having that connection that you will find nowwhere else.
I also battle the feelings of loss and the selfish feelings of her not being here anymore. But I know thats just a selfish thing we all feel when we lose someone. We want them here with us forever, but they are being called home. I do feel a certain amount of joy for her even in my feeling of loss. Grandma I love you im glad you’re there with all the loved ones already there. I will miss you but its ok. Thanks for being a great grandmother.
I picked up another book last week. It was kind of a meh purchase. I didnt know the author but the title and summary looked interesting.
Its’ called Telling Yourself the Truth. by William Backus and Marie Chapian
It’s about how we talk to ourselves in our minds and how much it influences the choices we make.
I’m about halfway through when I hit on a very good golden nugget I had to stop and talk about it.
He talks about misbelief and the lies that we tell ourselves, sometimes we don’t even realize it. The one Im talking about is the misbelief in never taking a chance, living a totally safe life not taking any risks, afraid of mistakes or failure.
He talks about how people fool themselves into thinking that by taking the safe route they are honoring God because a mistake of failure is felt as a sin. Do you see the misleadings and misguided thoughts here?
He explains this with this argument.
Mistakes are not necessarily sinful. Many mistakes result from the fact that as a human being I am not omniscient, and there is nothing wicked about that. If I make a mistake due to acting in the flesh, I have a Savior to save me from my own mistakes and to lead me in the ways of truth. I don’t want to walk in the flesh and I don’t want to make mistakes due to ignorance, but to the best of my knowledge, I’m doing neither, so I now choose to act in faith, even though I know I am taking the risk of making a mistake.”
“Replace the Truth:
I have put too much value on being right and being accepted at all times. It is not vital for me to be accepted and 100% right at all times.
God does not fail. My faith and trust is in Him. In the past I have tried to be my own Lord, but now by taking risks I give Him the lordship over my life.”
It didn’t make sense to me until this last part. But I see what he is saying and I think he is right.
By always making sure we know whatever we are doing is going to be ok before we move. We are leaving no room for God to work in our lives. We have essentially done just what he said. We have become our own Lord. By not taking any risks in our life we are leaving God no room to guide us because we are making sure we are going to be ok before we ever take that tentative step.
I see what he is saying. Because we have free will we can do whatever we want, whenever but we will suffer the consequences of those choices good or bad. By going through the argument part of this, evaluating your motives for the risk your thinking about taking. Its kind of a litmus test in a way to clear your heart of any miss guided motives you might have. This takes honesty on your part and that is vitally important. Really looking inside and admitting if its not clear. If you pass this test there should be no guilt if things don’t work out the way you thought. Usually the fears are not as bad as our minds have imagined as a general rule. When he said “by taking risks we are putting God back in charge of our lives.” It made total sense to me. I have always been a play it safe kind of guy in some areas of my life, not all but a few. I see his point that by not taking some of those risks we are in a way stealing opportunities God could be wanting to place in front of us. I hope I’m getting my thought line across.
I know from my experience, when I have taken a risk in life God has stepped up and really done some amazing things I could never have guessed. Now if I had never taken that risk I would never have seen his hand in it all. Those amazing things I could have seen were taken out of it. And guess what…. I was the one that would have taken it away from my self… So do you see what he is getting at? That we have become our own Lord by never taking a risk when we didn’t know all the outcomes before we move? It just hit me as I was reading and wanted to pass it on.
Guys……. This is for you. I have been reading lately and it has confirmed stuff I had felt was right before.
The book I read recently was by Shanti Feldhahn called “The surprising secrets of a happy marriage.” This book proves with statistics she did surveying couples over a 3-5 year period. That more times than not, it is the little things done on a daily basis that makes all the difference.
The surprising thing that she found was that really happily married people (ie both spouses say they are) are servants to their spouse for all the right reasons. They are good willed people doing little things that are communicating to their spouse they love them and they are thinking of them and they are important in their life.
Too many times us guys want to go for the big impact thing, the thing that just WOW’s her, the sad thing is while we are working to make this grand gesture she is looking for you to put your arms around her, reach out and hold her hand. Don’t get me wrong the grand gestures are nice too but Shanti learned in this book that the small things done daily are what set the tone of the marriage. The thing is that many times neither of them even realize it. It is only when you are asked to explain your feelings that they come out and only then sometimes you have to write them down to see it.
This is where us guys seem to fail as a generality, many times we are not very perceptive to the needs of people especially ones we see everyday. But thats only when we are not paying attention. If we look at this as a test we might do better. What I mean is look at your wife as someone thats ever changing as they age and go through seasons of life. I have said it before, become a study of her… always, if you take the time to listen to her you will hear her heart. You will remember her favorite color, things she likes, you will find the way she feels loved.
Don’t let yourself ever feel like you have her down pat or figured out. You may for a time but as times goes on things change. Babies come then toddlers then teens then no kids, many seasons that really effect a woman’s life and can change the things she needs to see from you…. but this book shows that although all of that is true. There are still simple little things that can be done to communicate love, respect and that you really are looking out for her best.
If your wanting to find out what they are…. well it depends on the person. Use this time as a chance to learn more and communicate with your spouse. Read this book then start up a conversation about it and start a back and forth communication with the one you love to find out if there are simple little things you could do that you hadn’t thought could mean very much but could mean the world to her.
It really boils down to one thing. If you love her act like it. Be intentional about it, be attentive, always strive to be the man she wants. Always keep reaching for her. Pass her in the kitchen and kiss her, squeeze her hand, lean in and whisper you love her. Guys its not that hard. It just takes paying attention on your part and it will pay off with having a wife that feels safe, cared for, and loved. All of her friends will be jealous and thats a good thing 🙂
Here is an idea for all you singles guys out there. I don’t care if you have been married before, old or young it doesn’t matter.
Change how you think about women. What I mean is this. Think about your future wife. Not that your setting expectations for her, but for yourself. It’s like your setting up a rule book in a way. How will you treat her? How will that look. We can all think about all the great romantic ways to wooo her, but how many will keep that going? How do you plan to make her feel special? How are you going to be a study of her, what is that realistically going to look like?
I think this is a great exercise to do. The reason is because to many men are looking for fun be it a good time out or sex. That is seen in society as love and thats screwed up. What this is all getting at is a way of thinking that changes how you see women as a whole. You can call this old fashion or not but I think any guy that looks at other woman when he has one and she is right there with him is not thinking of her. She may tell you its ok but your damaging her self worth and confidence slowly. I have talked to enough woman that have told me this. They will tell you its ok because they think that is what you want to hear, but your hurting them inside and making them second guess you and the trust you might have.
So thinking of this woman that you may have no idea who she is. It is preparing you to treat her and honor her even before you meet her. I know most guys will look at this and laugh because it seems crazy but guys You have no idea the trust and confidence your wife will have for you and the respect she will give you because of the way you treat her. If you go out of your way to find her heart and find what makes her tick, find out her favorite flowers, colors, watches rings, necklaces, books, knick nacks around the house she likes. Guys you have to study her. Learn what she sees and feels as love. It might not be the same thing that you do so if you do or get the same things you see as loving she may not. Take the time to study her and learn all the little things.
An example for me was I knew she had a really hard day. I knew I would see her at a certain time. I spent the 30 min I had to go get a small thing of flowers, Mcalisters tea, Starbucks coffee and to go get dinner from her favorite sushi place. I got home arranged everything then wrote her a letter and put it all in a setting at the table. The funny thing was it wasn’t the stuff that made the night for her, it was the fact that I got all of this done in about 30 min. LOL she saw the effort I had put into it and that is what touched her heart. It wasn’t necessarily all the stuff. That is just an example. It could be taking the kids and telling her. Ok we are out of here call me when you want us back LOL.
Fixing something broken that she needs, hanging a picture she has wanted up. Another is just reach for her, touch her hand shoulder and for heavens sake kiss her a long deep kiss, with no expectations of anything coming from it. Thats the key. Many times guys kiss like that because everyone knows he wants it to lead somewhere. She isn’t stupid guys. Kiss her with no expectations to it. No weight on her shoulders… kiss her and turn and continue on.. leave her breathless and loved and wanted 🙂
Too many times we look at what we are getting or not getting than what we can give.
The thing I want my future wife to feel with me is not that she is jealous of other girls but that other girls are jealous of her and what she has. Its about making her light shine. Making her feel special in your eyes. sitting on the couch with your hand in your crotch complaining about her lack of something, or complaining about something is not helping. Get off the couch fix that vacuum that she has asked you to a few hundred times. Take her rings in and get them cleaned or fixed, Go that extra mile. Too many guys just wont do it. I really am not sure why unless they don’t really love who they are with. I have been there and was afraid to admit it. It lead to a bad marriage and hurt feelings and two very damaged people that will never talk again. But 2 wonderful kids that I love dearly.
So the reason to start thinking about your future wife is one of respect, honor and love. If you look to this person, if you already know her or if she is still an unknown woman in your future. True unconditional love is one of the most difficult things in the word to give consistently because we are human and bound to disappoint at some time, but we can give sacrificially forgoing our own needs and wants to help the woman you love feel special and unique and truly loved by the one person she needs to feel that from the most. The one person she has to trust and feel secure in. So start early preparing yourself for what that is going to look like from you and how your going to keep that going.
I know what every guy is thinking…. ok thats great but what about her, what does she need to be doing to help my needs….. and your right to a point. It is when you build up your girl this way with love and respect and honor, holding her higher than any other. She should want to do the same for you. It almost becomes this passive game of who can give more type of thing, but in a healthy way. That is how it should be, we run into trouble if one of you fails to provide. This is were communication is key. If your hurt say it. Ladies most of us guys don’t get hints we don’t always read all your little hints and body language to read your mind. We try, but don’t always get it right. So speak up and do it in a loving way not yelling or say the horrible… You ALWAY… or You NEVER……. I’m a firm believer in this style. of communication.
“when you do __________ it makes me feel __________.” it takes the heat out of the argument and gets to the true feelings involved.
So guys as goofy as it sounds Im betting your future girlfriend/wife would appreciate you thinking of her, respecting her, honoring her even if she doesn’t know your name yet. 🙂 try it and see how it changes your attitude.